If you don't like the road you're walking...

Some time ago (it could have been last week or two months ago, at this point, I completely lost track of time), my sister shared a text on my FB timeline, from another non-trad med student. She was a lawyer before she decided to leave everything behind and try to become a doctor. Really, I looked for the original text, but I couldn't find it, sorry...

Anyway, this text was saying that we don't take time to appreciate life, we are running through life and especially as a medical student. She was criticizing our American way of life, always running and never taking time for ourselves, to take care of us, and always running in pursuit of happiness.

Well, I can see where it comes from, but I couldn't agree with it. I understand that people looks at me and thinks I have a crazy life, I don't have much time for relaxation and extra-curricular activities, that is true. I have time for the most important people in my life (my family). I make little sacrifice everyday to be there, but not that big. (okay, I might have more time to exercise otherwise, but then, hum, not a big sacrifice). Because I LOVE what I do, it is not as heavy as it might seems. The other most important thing is that I am not waiting until this or that happens to be happy. Happiness is the Journey, it is not the destination. You cannot wait until you become an attending to begin to live your life, because by then, you will have forget how to. You have to get every little moment of happiness along the way. That is happiness...

Is everyday the best day of my life? Certainly not! But I try to find some good in each day. Some days are easier than others. But, even that said, I am not miserable for months or even weeks at a time. I couldn't go through it if I was.

So, if you don't like the road you're walking, start paving another one...

And yes, it's that time of the year again...

where my study table get invaded with tons of flashcards.  (I think of investing in Flash card company, to at least get some of that money back)

My exams starts in two weeks. I am hyperventilating just to think about it... This semester has gone sooo fast!  Our exams are spread over 3 weeks, which is good thing because we have time to study between each one, right? But it is also a bad thing because it means that: 1- we have too many! and 2- we are on this bad feeling of stress for about three weeks... Even though everybody tells us that we will get through it if we continue doing what we do (they had only one fail for one exam for the last two years, and I suppose I am not worse than all these students). I still don't feel I am as ready as I would like, but, these last two and a half year have taught me that I will get there and I will be as ready as it needs (which you realize is nothing near as ready as I would like, but good enough).

So, this week, I tried the cottage to not be disturb every 10 minutes, and have nothing else to do than study (I confess being a terrible procrastinator, and at home, I could bake 3 dozens of muffins, do laundry and clean the kitchen instead of studying). I have to say it is working fairly well.

I also tried to study with other colleagues once a week, and I exchange SMS with others now and then. I believe that working with others helps me see the material differently. Also, it is a very well establish method of learning - see, do, teach. When working with others, we explain stuff to each other, and that helps us better understand the material.

Since what I have done up to now seems to have worked (I am still here, right?), I will continue doing it for the next month. And then, a whole two weeks of free time with my husband and Princess... Even our best friends are planning a few days here for New Year's eve!

Life is good!

(And here is my personal (de)motivator... also known as The Dictator, when he decides it's time I stop studying to dedicate all my energies to play with him, because well, he deserves it, doesn't he? )

There is hope

So, I haven't talked much about my clerkship rotation yet, right... Well, it was because I was very unhappy with some of it and wanted to wait until I felt less sour about it.

As I mentioned before, our clerkship rotations are assigned by lottery*. And as I also mentioned before, I do not believe in lottery. Well, again, it showed that I was right not to trust lottery. Except for the track, I didn't get any of the choices I wanted. You know, it doesn't matter that much, because I will go through my clerkship anyway, and become a good physician. But still, I feel a little disappointed. I understand that, at this point in my training, the most important thing is keeping an open mind and try different thing. But our clerkship is so short, we do not have the time to try all we are interested in, therefore the insatisfaction (which again, I understand is very much first-world privilege person problem). I didn't get either rheumatology, nor infectious disease or hematology, but I got respirology, which I think is a very broad base specialty that could be very useful if you do any kind of specialty. So not too bad. I also got neonatology as a pediatric specialty and gastroenterology. Definitively not my first choices (more like my 10th choices), but I could have done worse I suppose.

All these choices were not my major issue. You see, as a student of a delocalised site, we have to do at least 4 rotations at the main site (which is 4 hours drive). Not optimal when you have a 8 years old Princess, So, I tried (and succeeded) to separate rotation away with rotation at home. But then, I got a rotation at another site 8 hours away, at the end of school year for Princess. Nothing impossible, but certainly not optimal in a very important school year for her (the report for this year is going to be used for her application in a dance program that she had been talking about for the last two years). That is what I was trying to avoid, trying to do whatever I could before the lottery. So, I went back to the program director, and I have to say, she did the work. I had news last Friday that I might probably be able to do my rotation home. I try not to be too positive about it, because I know it might not work (I will know in about a month), but it would make my life sooo much easier! So, please make it work!!!

*Well, except for elective at the beginning of our clerkship, for which I went the personal representation route, and I am very happy I did! I got endocrinology, family medicine with my mentor I talked about previously, which will be tailored to whatever I want to see (as feasible as that could be), and chronic pain/anesthesiology with the regional pain specialist. I am very lucky!

What will I do when I grow up...

Two years ago, when I started this journey, one of our tutor asked us that... At that point, my plan was something in Internal Medicine...

Two years later, I wouldn't say I had changed very much, but my current plans are no longer the same...

One thing for sure (that is a very dangerous saying, you should never say never :-) ), is that I am not a surgeon. For one thing, I have very light essential tremor, but you can see that could be a problem for a neurosurgeon, so it is a good thing that I am not interested in that kind of specialty.

So, I am clearly more of a "medical" than a "surgical" person. In the last two years, I have tried to narrow it to what I wanted to do with the rest of my life... And it is way more difficult than I thought. I also realized that the pathophysiological side of a specialty does not represent the clinical reality of it. I love the pathophysio process of some auto-immune diseases, but in clinic, the work does not reflect it at all... So, I have to take that into account... My next life will be in clinic, that is what I have to look into.

My first ideas were infectious disease, haematology and rheumatology. Well, I realized that ID specialists are really more of consultants than treating physician. I was very surprized myself but I really love the relationship with the patients. Therefore, I don't think that being a consultant would be as satisfying as being responsible for the patient. For haematology, there is two sides of it, oncology and haematology. I don't want to do oncology, and doing only haematology would mean I have to do fellowship and work in a big university hospital. My husband and I have already discussed that and this is not the kind of life we want... And you know, it's not like it is a big "love at first sight" kind of thing... As for rheum, well, I spent a whole day with a rheumatologist the other day and I was a little disappointed... The diseases are very interesting, but in clinic, the exams are very much the same. And I am very interested in chronic pain, and the rheumatologist I spent the day with wasn't, so she refer the chronic pain patients back to their family physician.

And it made me realized that I would have to give up a lot of different patient type to go to a specialty...

And then comes my mentor who had followed me for my first two years of clinical skills... I believe he is THE one person who might have had the most influence on my journey since I started med school. Not necessarily by being a role-model (well, yes, he is a fantastic family physician), but by making me think and reflect on who I really am and what I really want to do... I think the turning point was when he said to me: "What couldn't you do as a family physician that you absolutely want to do?" And well, I am still trying to find it since... As a family physician, I could handle chronic pain patients, see HIV patients, manage rheumatoid arthritis patients and infiltrate joints that are inflamed, handle geriatric patients with their multiple problems and their two pages long medication list... all things I am interested in.

The other thing is being part of a real team that handle a patient. I want to be part of a multi-professionnal team, take the information that the social worker is giving me and evaluate the impact on the health of the patient, listen to the nurse who see the patient all day while in the hospital, discuss the medication interaction with the pharmacist... not that the specialists do not do that, but my way of seeing it is that they don't do it at the same level...

Right now, I am weighing all my options. However, at this point, FM is  three steps ahead of the specialties. For the relationship with the patients, for the opportunity to do whatever you want with your practice (ok, maybe not whatever you want but certainly more than in specialty) and for the freedom to choose where you practice (because it is much easier to choose a place in FM than in specialty). And let just say that my husband would be thrilled, since it is much shorter journey...

So, if I end up in FM, let just say that this mentor would have a great part of responsibility for it :-) And if I do so, I know it would not be a second choice but a very well-thought decision. Our career guidance person (also a family physician) said to me the other day that it is written in the sky that I will be a Family Physician, and she believed that I am fighting against my destiny trying to do something else...

I haven't started clerkship yet, so let's wait until I have more experience with patients, see if I have another change of heart...

So, I survived!

You know when things get bad, you feel that it doesn't stop coming? Last two weeks were like that... One thing after the other, and another, and another... To give you a little idea of the sort of crap I handle in the last week, someone scratch my car in a parking lot, I got a speeding ticket in a construction area (I know, my fault), and then, on Friday morning, 3 hours before my husband got home, Princess started vomitting, while I had a mentorship (which is mandatory).

And, finally, my husband got home, I went to the hairdresser and everything felt back into places... Crazy how a little visit to the hairdresser can do the trick, right?

After Thanksgiving weekend with my sister-in-law and her boyfriend, playing tourist in our own area, I spend the whole day today trying to manage (or fix) some of the open-issues that are never-ending when you have a house, a rental-cottage and a car everybody likes to bump into. I didn't succeeded in everything, but still, I have an apointment for the car, and I have handled some insurance issues. Not so bad results. 

I am quite happy with how this reading week is starting so far... I just need to get back in studying, and I think I will be ready to get back in the saddle next Monday :-)

What was I thinking?

When we discussed if my husband should go to this trip last week, I was thinking, well, easy-breasy, no problem, I'll handle it with grace... What was I thinking? Clearly, I was in denial...

Actually, I knew my husband was taking care of Princess homeworks and piano practice and getting her busy during weekend... And I minimized in my calculation the time it would take me to tackle everything. Bad planning, really!

I thought about being a single mom during first year and how it wasn't so bad, and I figure that it wouldn't be different... Wrong! During that first year, my husband was home every weekend, he took care of the homework and was responsible for her the whole weekend. I cannot study while being disturb every 3 minutes for a question, a lunch, or anything else (pick a choice, a 8 years old have endless ideas).

I can't imagine having to do the homework with a kid who have difficulties in school. We struggle with Princess, mostly because she finds it boring and she second-guess every thing we ask her to do... but I can't complain, because they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree :-) I am very ready for her to understand that what takes the most time is for her to negotiate not doing it and having to do it anyway (15 minutes to complain, 3 minutes to do, I'll let you do the math).

So, between the piano lesson, the musical theory lesson, the ballet class, the piano practice every day (ok, maybe I am not as thorough as I should, but I don't loose sleep on that), following up on a piece of equipment for the hot tub that should have been here three weeks ago, getting the hot tub repaired and re-started (Thanks Dad! most fantastic Dad ever!), following up with the insurance company for our claim on water-damage, trying to make sure everything is fixed before winter (and you know, I believe Jon Snow: winter is coming!)... I am exhausted and I haven't even started working on school stuff.

On a good note, we have fantastic mom-daughter time and I really appreciate how she has become this fantastic, autonomous little person. I find it amazing the road she travelled since we moved here. One day, I even believe she will be a completely adequate adult (ok, let's face it, she is spoiled but she is so fantastic, it doesn't matter, does it?)

Well, you know what? I know I'll get through it and I'll survive. And for now, breathe in breathe out and repeat...

Single mom

As of this morning, I am a single mom for the next 18 days (or so, I haven't really count). And you know how these things never come alone, I have my busiest week this year. And, while cooking dinner, I have ruined my favorite pan... Well, not my best day this month, let just say...I should get over it, though...

My integrative problem this week is on cardiology. I am pretty sure by now I won't be a cardiologist. Really not my favorite subject. My motivation is not there. So, it takes me longer to get through the material, while I have less time to do it because of the gazillion of other activities. I'll survive I suppose, but I won't be as ready as I like to be.

A month after starting this phase, I have to say I find it much easier than the system units. The problems are more applied, more clinical. We have more clinical competency activities as well. We don't have as much new material, just more integration of all the stuff we saw before. And it is thrilling to see that we are becoming baby doctors slowly but surely... In about three months, we're gonna be clerk and I even believe we are gonna be good clerks (well, good baby clerks ;-))

While I am on it, I got the track I wanted for clerkship, my first choice. Which didn't really made me step with joy. I don't know, I felt like any track would have been ok at some point. I would have made it work anyway. And we negotiated our local rotation, so now I know part of my clekship. Of the 15 months clerkship before LMCC (medical license in Canada), 6 are confirmed being home, and 4 will be for sure away. I succeeded in being home for September, to help husband with start of school next year (weird to plan for next year return to school while still in September, right?). Otherwise, I have tried to separate time I am away with time being home. My endocrinology elective is almost confirmed, but my plans with the rhumatologist didn't worked out. I am trying to work on something else an hour away on anesthesiologist and chronic pain this week, and if it doesn't work, I'll go with the lottery. There is some very interesting local choices there too, so it might not be so hard. Overall, I am still nervous for the lottery of obligatory rotation next week. My plans were to do more difficult rotation away, so less effect on the family if you are not there anyway. But, then, looking into all of it, even if I do these rotation away, there is slight chances I could do the other ones here (because there is not many spots here, and they are very coveted, since we do not have a lot of residents. Sometimes, you are alone with the attending. Therefore, the exposure is fantastic). I'll know in less than 10 days... To be continued...

Let it go...

No, this post is not about Queen Elsa, even though Princess use it as alarm-clock, and I might have become brain-damaged from too much listening...

As a few of my colleagues in medical school, I might have a tendency to control things around me... The thing I found the most difficult in dealing with infertility was that I wasn't in control of when (or if) it would happen. Someone once told me to let it go and it would happen... well, good luck with that!

I like to feel I am in control of what would happen and when. I don't mind if it requires more work, I will gladly do it if I can make sure I will have it the way I want it. (Not working very well in infertility though).

And then comes cleckship.

At my school, the way it is designed, we have to choose among 12 tracks and students are evenly distributed among them. Because our clerckship is shorter than most, we do not have time to experience everything before CaRMS application. Therefore,  we have to choose a track that make sure we are doing the one we are most interested in before application. But...

We classify the tracks we prefer, and then, everything is distributed by lottery from a system. Mostly, people are able to get within their fourth first choices. Very fair some would say (ok, ok, I agree, it is fair) However, for a control-freak (like let's say... myself), lottery is very difficult. There is no way I can influence the result, working harder would not get me closer to what I would prefer. And I don't refer to me as Lucky in these kind of things*

When the tracks are distributed, we then do the same for each rotation: first, the obligatory, then selective and finally electives**. Every rotation is distributed via a lottery, that I do not have any influence on. It is even possible to I get a rotation that is 8 hours away from home. This make me feel very uneasy...

Today, I was looking into tracks, how I should rate them. I looked into some selective I would like to do (allergy/immunology), and it is not available each month... And with the tracks I had selected, I mostly couldn't do it. There is NO way I could have it all... and even IF there was, I still don't know if I can get that track! Should I select a track where I might have 1 in 18 chance to do this elective? Well, just very annoying not having anything set.

As of Friday though, I should know my track, and by end of September, most of my cleckship will be settle...

Still, a very First World problem I suppose... I am still very happy in med school, have a fantastic Princess and a very supportive husband. I'm sure I could do worse... So, I am going to breathe and try to "Let it go!"

*I know I am lucky in life in general. but I believe that I still control some part of that "luck".
**But it is possible to do personal representation for the electives to experience different specialties or environment...Guess who is trying to get all her electives from that source? I already have some understanding with my favorite mentor ever (another post on this later, I promise) for family medicine and working on something for endocrinology. If I can finalize with the rhumatologist, everything would be fantastic at least for my first three months of cleckship... We take control where we can, can't we?

About living in the regions

Two years after leaving Greater Montréal Area, I am still unsure if I like better living here or there.

There IS certainly major perks of being in the region. Most would say the proximity of great places to go play outdoor. I am not so drawn to it, so for me it is not big a deal, but still, I appreciate being able to walk half an hour from home and be some place like that:

The thing I enjoyed the most would be the absolutely NO TRAFFIC. Yes, it is possible... After almost 15 years of bad Montréal traffic, 45 minutes morning and evening everyday, which could transform into an hour and half when the weather is terrible, I really enjoy this. Less than 12 minutes and I am at the hospital (and our school building being just in front of it). My husband has also less than 15 minutes transit, and during summer he can even bike to work in less than 25 minutes. That's more than an hour a day saved in commuting for both of us.

And then, there is days like today... Princess and I wanted kabab very badly... you know when you crave a food type and can't have it? The is absolutely no libanese place around, less than 3 hours drives. And I don't talk about bad food court type. You know the little place from the corner of the street where works real libanese people, with family recipes. I miss the food diversity, the little special grocery where you can find products from around the world...

All in all, do these little things mean more than the time we save everyday? That is a very good question, that I haven't answered yet... or maybe I have but tonight I just want kabab so badly I don't see straight :-) Maybe, if we are still here when I graduate, I'll find someone who wants to open a kabab business and subside him to open it on the corner of my street!

Last night of vacation

Tomorrow is the first day of my third year. It's also my husband 40th birthday. And Princess is away camping with her Grand-papa. So, what we do to pass time? Relax?

Nope! My husband decided this morning that we had to work on the pool deck, doing the railing. Then, when we had enough for the day (it was 6:30 PM!) we had a quick dinner and he decided we would change the front door handle and lock... The thing is, when you have a 1960-something home, you know when the project start, but there is always challenges along the way... An hour later, when I just have to go to the locksmith tomorrow to get the key coded, he decided to try and do it by himself... Well maybe this half hour project will be over before midnight... (Because after he dismantled both deadlock (old and new), he decided the systems were not compatible and that I had to go to the locksmith, duh!)...

Good luck to all that are starting med school tomorrow. I hope you have as much fun as I have in this long and challenging journey!

Disney!

I'm just back from Disney... How was it? First word that comes to mind is exhausting... and I didn't even have a pre-schooler. I really don't think I could have survived going with kids under 6. I saw a lot of exhausted parents at the end of the week.

Disney is a well-oiled machine, very well-oiled... Everything is thought very carefully to make your experience easier. (well, there might be some glitches here and there, but mostly, it is a seamless experience). The first thing you realize is the surroundings. There isn't just a fence anywhere, it is always part of a decor, being bamboo sticks or rocks or trees that sometimes hide it. The hotels are incredibly well themed, so you don't realize that you are in a bad hotel you paid too much for. We were in one of the cheapest option (Little Mermaid room in Art of Animation). The rooms were very tiny but was really clean and looks amazing.

I was there with my sister and her three monsters sons (twins are 9, and the older is 11), this made me realize that the experience is very different with a girly Princess than with boys... and having 3 kids is nothing like having just one. Princess lives mostly in an adult environment and is accustumed to following us everywhere. My husband is a task-oriented individual... when we move from one place to another, we move... we're not to be distracted by shops or environment... That was a little difficult with the boys... we were always missing one, who was enjoying something distractful. Not that one way or the other is best, but the two together were not the best mix... And if you go, be prepared to walk*

One thing I really enjoyed is how they managed the waiting. I had studied some of their tricks in a management class some years ago (while working on my MBA), and I have to say it works very well. When you enter a line, you always have a pretty good idea of the time it would take you to get to the ride. And it is not a "rule of thumb", they really check frequently asking guest who enters the line to take a card that they register, and when the guest get at the other end of the line (when he got to the ride), they know how long it took to get there and they update. I would say that anything under 30 minutes is worth it, because they usually have animation along the line, so you really don't see the time pass. Some time, I thought that I was missing part of the experience with the FastPass because you usually skip that part of the ride, and some of them are really worth it (example would be the Haunted House in Magic Kingdom, where I think the decor around waiting is scarier than the ride itself... but I couldn't really judge because it scared Princess and she didn't want to go to the ride after...). We were told to get our FastPass as close as possible to one another, so we could get more in the day. I wouldn't do it again. First, we were just running between rides in the morning and then, didn't have anything to do in the afternoon, because forget getting FastPass on really popular rides after because it is already booked. We were very lucky to be able to book Cinderella signing the day of... at 21:30 when we looked for it at 11:45. But otherwise, we were just not able to get anything worth it after our initial ones (with we booked almost three months in advance, and even then, we weren't able to get some very popular rides!)

It was impressing to see how kids react. Parts we thought they would not really enjoyed they did, and some we thought they would, they found boring. When we booked our dining, it was three weeks after we could do it (so about 6 months before), and we had much difficulties with some nights (ok, part of it being a party of 8, not always easy). We wanted a character dinner, and the only thing we found was with Winnie the Pooh and his friends. We thought: "what a boring night this is going to be", because clearly, our kids were over Winnie a long time ago. Interestingly enough, they were really in the "Disney Magic" because they really enjoyed it (and we did too :-) ). They wanted to do the Mad tea party and Dumbo the flying elephant (both attractions being mostly for pre-schooler) after being gone to the craziest roller-coaster and they had a blast just the same... I'm telling you, "Disney-Magic"!

But, after a week, we had more than enough of restaurants and sleeping in tiny beds (double while I have a King-size at home, let me tell you, it is hard!), we were very happy to heading back and prepare for starting school on Monday!

*My walking shoes:

Yes, they are kids Sketcher shoes... That is the perk of wearing size 6.5, you can fit in kids size 5. Princess has the same in black. She wanted the gray, but they didn't had her size in that color. I wanted black but they didn't had it in that size. Anyway, they are the most confy shoes ever AND because they are kids, they are cheaper, which is great when you are on a student budget :-) I survived the 10 km walks everyday because of these shoes (even though I thought I would develop stress fracture after three days!)

Summer fun

I'll be back in school in a week and a half... I tried to enjoy every bites of this one since I know it's going to be a long time until I have another long vacation (if ever). Princess had made a long list of the things we had to do and I believe we did probably everything... Except maybe blueberries picking but she'll do it in camping with her Grand-papa the week I start school (she has an extra vacation week).

I am currently at a terrible airport hotel... Waiting for the highlight of the summer! We are going to Disney, for a week with my sister's family... The whole 8 of us! The kids are sooo excited, the drive to Montreal have been very long, with very many stops to go to the bathroom... My sister's kids are taking the plane for the first time, they are anxious... I can't wait to be finally there...

I haven't cooked anything this week, even though it was my plan... I don't know where the week have gone... Well, ok, I went shadowing in endocrino (where I had a blast), and then was able to fit a day with a rhumatologist! I was incredibly happy! I had tried to made contact with them the whole summer! Princess and I also went to Baie Comeau to spent a day with my husband (the place is not really worth the 4 hours drive, but my husband is :-))

I am very satisfied with the things I have done this summer so far. And I will be very happy to be back to school in two weeks. 

Have a Magical week!

Beginning of the end

Most of the summer is gone. As of this morning, Princess is starting the end of summer rush. She has ballet summer camp this week, then we are going to Disney (Yeahhhh!) and she comes back just in time to go camping with her Grand-papa et her Belle-Grand-maman*. And then, back to school!

For me, I am 3 weeks away from starting my next phase. I have to say I am eager to. I tried to keep summer busy, but it is not the same feeling. I am submerged in home improvement (and not even the bathroom I had plan to do this summer), and things are not going as fast as I hoped for. The fact that my husband has been away for work almost three weeks have not helped. And he left again yesterday evening for 5 to 9 days (he has to come back for Disney!!!!), which means I am mostly at a stop. I am thinking about trying to install baseboard alone (how difficult can it be, and anyway, it is only a walk-in closet.)

We went to our friends this weekend. We haven't seen them in 4 months (wayyyy too long). I miss this part of my previous life, but otherwise I am very happy of my choice. It was a little weird though, when we had a conversation about issues relating to work and I didn't have anything to contribute. I am not in the workforce right now, and school is not the same...

This week, I plan to cook, cook and cook (to be ready for the start of the semester), visit my ped patient, painting in Princess' room, maybe try installing the baseboards, and shadowing in endocrino for a day. A lot of different stuff going on at the same time!

* this "word game" is lost in translation. Princess means step-grandmother but in French, it sounds way better... Her Belle-grand-maman really loves it!

Vacation!

It's been two weeks now. Two full weeks and two days I have been on vacation. I have to admit I felt very bizarre for the first few days. Getting from intense studying to nothing feels weird. I didn't know what to do with my time. But, I finally found some kind of balance... doing a lot of laundry :-)

Last semester was not that bad (but maybe that was not how I saw it last week before the exams). Endocrinology and then Ob/Gyn, exam week and human sexuality unit. This one is a week off campus, where we discuss themes like orientation, identity, assault, HIV, disability, and geriatrics and how all that affect the patient sex life. I wasn't convince at first, but it was really interesting, and it generated fantastic discussion. A lot of food for thought. And we got presented with this hilarious video about consent for sex:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGoWLWS4-kU

I actually love it because it is so simple and clear...

And then, 3 days ago, we finally, finally got our results. (getting test results is so complicated in med school, everything has to go through a comittee before they are released). And I am very very happy to say I am done with Year 2! I am very proud of all my classmates because there was no one failing any of the summer exams. And it wasn't because they were easy... Ob/Gyn was pretty tough, and we all got though it! Yeah!

This marks the end of a phase. I am done with studying the systems one by one. In the Fall, we have an integration phase, and then clerkship in January. This is going to go soooo fast, I am sure I am going to be working on my CaRMS application in no time... Have to start to think about that!

Broken heart

Med school is not really like a walk in the park... It's not that difficult either and there is a lot of support if we need it. Still, once in a while, we need to let a friend go, and this is very hard.

Since we started, we lost 3 colleagues during first year. Five joined us from the year above, and one of them even decided to let go of her dream of becoming a physician. This is a very hard decision to make, and not one that you feel supported from your family and society in general I suppose...

From those who left last year, there is one I was closer too. I saw him work through the decision of taking a year off to come back stronger. It was a very though decision, but I believed then it was the best decision he could make. I think time showed I was right and I see him this year so much more motivated and happy, it is good to see. He'll make a great physician, very open-minded and able to listen to his patients. Still, he won't be with us when we graduate...

Then, a few weeks ago, another friend took the same decision. As I saw her navigate through her feeling about starting over next year, I feel her decision was easier to make than some others. I love that she respected herself, she could see that she wasn't going anywhere and if she continued, she would be in a worst situation later. I am brokenhearted that such a nice person have to leave us. I believe she has taken the best decision for her, and even though I will miss her very much, I am happy for her. She took the decision "she" needed, not thinking about what the others would think. I am proud to know such a great lady who is going to make a fantastic physician one day... Still, she won't be with us when we graduate...

Since then, another colleague informed us that she will be taking a year off to do other projects, another great loss for our little cohort of future physicians... She also won't be with us when we graduate...

And for that, I am brokenhearted...

As we progress in this journey, I know we are probably going to loose other players, for good or not-so-good reasons. Each of them is like a little bereavement. We need to take the opportunity to reflect on where we are, the road we have already traveled, remind ourselves of the luck we have to be there and make sure that this journey is, still today, the one we want to travel...

How to motivate med students

Really easy: let them play physicians! For the last two weeks, my colleagues and I are dispersed everywhere in the province, in community hospitals and medical clinics, to see patients and practice physical exam. Remember I told you in February that I didn’t see the end of it? Well, that’s over. I am now back to my super-motivate-self!

At this point in our training, it is impressive how much we progressed since the beginning. I don't feel we are going to see such a huge change ever again. One of my mentors says that we are learning right now is like putting decoration in an house (or icing on a cake). We have the basis, just need to improve what we already know. At this point, we can see almost any patient in primary care, and figure out some of the differential diagnosis. We still have so much to learn, but it is really a motivation-booster to be able to see the progress we’ve made so far.

I feel we are going to be whole bunch of great physicians one day!

Anniversary

Sixteen years ago today, I said Yes to this amazing young man...

Life brought us on an unexpected road. We are not were we tought we would be. Our family is not what we had expected.

We are still together, and probably closer than we never had been.

Our project was to have two kids and live abroad for a few years. We would probably live in Europe right now if life had been as we had planned when we were young.

I don't think we would be more happy... different, that's all.

He is not as young as he were, but I love him more today and I certainly appreciate him more than I could have then.

He is my rock, he supports me in all my crazy projects. We are a freaking amazing team who complete each other!

Je t'aime, mon amour!

Struggle

In my program, it seems the second year is the toughest. Well, not that I would want to assume that clerkship is a piece of cake, I understand it is also very challenging. But, I believe that during clerkship, you feel more connected to your goal, so it is easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

What are the challenges of second year? The fact that you feel deconnected of your goal is a big part of it. You've been a Med Student for a year, you are used to the idea of it. You feel you are going to be sitting on school bench forever and that you are a jar that is being filled with more and more and more, until you can’t take more. (Well, I do feel like that). The jar might not be the right metaphor, let say a balloon that you fill until it is at the point of breaking... You see the idea.

Within the second year, this semester is the worst... Let's face it, the weather is not helping (particularly this year, the coldest one in more than 50 years). Most student don’t particularly enjoy nephrology, hematology and infectious disease. It happens to be my favorite subjects, I was waiting for this semester since I started, so my motivation is there. But somewhere in the beginning of February, I lost my focus... I don’t know what happened, but I didn’t put as much effort I used to and that I should. Not that I am in a uncomfortable situation. I did all my tutorials as I have to, but not as completely as I did previously. And this is a slippery slope. Once you start doing other things (including home improvement), you don’t have as much motivation to go back to your studies.

I am not sure what happened last weekend, but I took the bull by the horns and I re-started doing what I was doing before... and it felt very good. I am proud of myself, I went through this patch unharmed. And with the reading week coming next, I feel I am in a nice place to be ready for my exams at the end of March. And my next unit is Infectious Disease, I can't wait!

I will survive this year!