Let it go...

No, this post is not about Queen Elsa, even though Princess use it as alarm-clock, and I might have become brain-damaged from too much listening...

As a few of my colleagues in medical school, I might have a tendency to control things around me... The thing I found the most difficult in dealing with infertility was that I wasn't in control of when (or if) it would happen. Someone once told me to let it go and it would happen... well, good luck with that!

I like to feel I am in control of what would happen and when. I don't mind if it requires more work, I will gladly do it if I can make sure I will have it the way I want it. (Not working very well in infertility though).

And then comes cleckship.

At my school, the way it is designed, we have to choose among 12 tracks and students are evenly distributed among them. Because our clerckship is shorter than most, we do not have time to experience everything before CaRMS application. Therefore,  we have to choose a track that make sure we are doing the one we are most interested in before application. But...

We classify the tracks we prefer, and then, everything is distributed by lottery from a system. Mostly, people are able to get within their fourth first choices. Very fair some would say (ok, ok, I agree, it is fair) However, for a control-freak (like let's say... myself), lottery is very difficult. There is no way I can influence the result, working harder would not get me closer to what I would prefer. And I don't refer to me as Lucky in these kind of things*

When the tracks are distributed, we then do the same for each rotation: first, the obligatory, then selective and finally electives**. Every rotation is distributed via a lottery, that I do not have any influence on. It is even possible to I get a rotation that is 8 hours away from home. This make me feel very uneasy...

Today, I was looking into tracks, how I should rate them. I looked into some selective I would like to do (allergy/immunology), and it is not available each month... And with the tracks I had selected, I mostly couldn't do it. There is NO way I could have it all... and even IF there was, I still don't know if I can get that track! Should I select a track where I might have 1 in 18 chance to do this elective? Well, just very annoying not having anything set.

As of Friday though, I should know my track, and by end of September, most of my cleckship will be settle...

Still, a very First World problem I suppose... I am still very happy in med school, have a fantastic Princess and a very supportive husband. I'm sure I could do worse... So, I am going to breathe and try to "Let it go!"

*I know I am lucky in life in general. but I believe that I still control some part of that "luck".
**But it is possible to do personal representation for the electives to experience different specialties or environment...Guess who is trying to get all her electives from that source? I already have some understanding with my favorite mentor ever (another post on this later, I promise) for family medicine and working on something for endocrinology. If I can finalize with the rhumatologist, everything would be fantastic at least for my first three months of cleckship... We take control where we can, can't we?