Match day: What will I do when I grow up

So, today is the big day!

Life as a clerk is not an easy one (I suppose this will need to go in another post, just for this subject!) The last year and a half was all to make this day possible and most of all, to make it what we want. It is very emotional. In Outlander (in book 2, I believe), there is a saying about men and their babies that goes something like that: "waiting for all the things that might be and all the things that might never be, and weep for not knowing what will come to pass." Today, all emotions are mixed together. I matched to my first choice of specialty and site, and I am very happy about it. But, if I had chosen to rank another hospital, I would have been with other friends that I liked very much, so I have to mourn not being with them. One friend matched to her first choice of specialty and site (to be with her future husband) and when I saw her, she was crying because she loved the other program as well and was sorry not to train in that program. Another friend matched to her first choice of specialty but not her first choice of site, and she was terrified of what will happen to her 6 years-relationship, being 5 hours from home and her boyfriend.

I am not a religious person, but I believe in life, and I am sure life does what is best for you. And I know that we will make the best of whatever match we got.

In any case, whatever is your match, mourning is still a big part of match day.  (SLuckett posted a great text on that a few years ago)

But, for now, let's celebrate, because, when I grow up, I am going to be... a family physician!

Mini-babies

Apparently, blogger just reminded me that this is my 50th post...

After a week home with my family, doing nothing and everything, I came back to main campus for a month in neonatology. Just to remind you that I am looking to go in family med, with an obvious interest in geriatrics much more than ped... So, this rotation was not very high on my list.

The good thing is that it confirms that I am not that much interested in pediatrics, and particularly babies. I have never been very interested in babies, and they don't like me either...  I prefer when they talk and can have a minimum of conversation.

I have to say though that people are very nice. I work with a great senior resident this week. I appreciate the multi-professionnal aspect of this specialty. We round patients with the nurses and the parents when possible, and have a meeting every week with social worker, psychologist and physical therapist involved in the care of our mini-patients. I like to see that we can all work in the same direction for the good of the patient and their family (because this is very often the case, when there is siblings at home).

Still, this month seems very long...

Internal med

Vacation week is just around the corner and I have to say, I am looking forward to it like I never did before (ok, probably not true, because if I remember correctly, last year was even worse!)

I started this rotation still very motivated. After spending a very long 7 hours in the same house than my husband, he left for a week in Europe for work, came back for a week and left again for another 2 weeks... Not a very easy month really... 3 weeks out of 4 being single-mom while on rotation is sub-optimal at best. Luckily for me, Princess is 9 and very resourceful. I let her walk home from day-camp this week, so she is about half-hour alone at home (but I have fantastic neighbour, so she has a place to go if she has any issue). I know I shouldn't do it, but there is just no other way possible.

My rotation is very interesting, with few complex patients and a lot of time to do teaching. We take mostly about 30 to 60 minutes to discuss a subject and organize our differential diagnoses and investigations. I suppose this is my best rotation for learning. Internal medicine is very interesting and the practice is diverse. I suppose I could see myself do that... but, because I am so tired and in need of vacation, I have to say, I am not giving my 100% at the moment. I believe I am not doing too bad but still I am not totally satisfied with myself, but at this point, it will have to do.

I had done critical review about this article on Acetaminophen in chronic pain... Interesting read that made me question how I would use acetaminophen in my future practice (specially since I have an interest on treating chronic pain).

It feels good to be back in my "home hospital" too. To see other physicians on the ward that I know. I love to feel at home, to feel I belong somewhere (not a feeling I had while at the big university-hospital at the main campus).

So, not so bad after all... And then, in the upcoming months, we are going to prepare for CaRMS, apparently a very busy time ahead until mid-november...

Miss Princess

This weekend was all about my Princess.

Just to be fair, even though it was Father's Day weekend, and even though my husband is the most fantastic dad out there, he is gone to Scotland for the week, so there you go, no Father's day celebration for him...

I am incredibly proud of the small adult my Princess is becoming. She is so clever and wise and independant for a nine years-old. For her birthday, she had a slumber-party with four friends from her class. She was the perfect little hostess, taking care of everything, even making some sandwiches to her picky-eaters friends who do not eat mac and cheese (yes, it is possible apparently to say no to dinner served during a party, I am very happy my daughter would not do that, and let me clarify that it wasn't for allergies). She took care of the activities, put everyone to bed and organized breakfast this morning. She was just a-ma-zing!

I heard a conversation she was having with one of her friend and it was so cute. She was explaining to her why ears pop when you take the plane and why you should let the babies cry. Her friend replied: "wow, you just know so much stuff!" At that moment, I have to say, I was a very proud mother...

And how she managed to let her friends choose cupcakes before herself (even though it was her birthday!), how she managed who would choose first during activities to be sure there is no conflict, I was impressed.

We were having a discussion in the parking this afternoon. She said that adults are just like kids but smarter... I said: "Well, really, I think you even are smarter than some adults...(because, let's face it, some adults are not the brightest, but I didn't tell her that :-) )  It is not a question of intelligence but more a question of experience."

I really believe she is going to be a very adequate adult in some time... I am privileged to have such an amazing daughter!

Exhausted... again

Just realized that my previous post had the same title... Well, it basically described mostly the whole month really... This rotation has been mostly based on quantity and flow. Not as much teaching as I would have like. During my mid-rotation eval, my boss even said to me that we should have had more teaching, but really, with only him and us, two not so useful clerk, to round 30 patients a day, it was not possible. I've learn a great deal anyway and I have to say that my day passes by in the blink of an eye. Starting third week of this, I even enjoy it. Not that I would do that for the rest of my life... Too much cancer, too much lifestyle-related condition (that could be said for any specialty though!). I do not appreciate much the whole "university-hospital" environment. And really, it is not because of the pyramid everybody talks about. Everybody is quite nice and easy to work with. I feel that everything is just more complicated for nothing... Sometimes, when you need to contact another specialty, just trying to find the right person to contact in the 2-pages list of contact numbers with the reason to contact each one is a hell of a task! Not my kind of thing... I prefer smaller environment, maybe with less challenging patients but with better relationship with your co-workers, where you know the nurses on the floor, and everybody else. Here, each day, you have a different resident to call, so you can't establish relationship with anybody. All this thinking conforts me in my choice of trying family med at home...

The best thing is when I get home... I live with the best "rommates" ever, my room is lovely and they have the best yard in the city. I have proclamed it the best study spot ever...

And I brought back my cat/(de-)motivator/furry son with me after the first week. So, he is here trying to learn to live with 3 other cats and a big dog... Not easy learning but he is coming about and I believe he might even like his new friends by the time we leave in two weeks. And, just to have him sleeping with me eases my feeling of missing my family... In total, we're going to have been away for a whole 9 weeks. But, for now, 11 more days and we're back together...

Exhausted

I started my new rotation this morning, at the main campus... It was a lot of new things for me. New home, new hospital, new specialty, new EDC system, new everything... At the end of the day, I haven't seen any patient and I was drained... Brain dead, really.

But then, I came home, had dinner (well, the egg sandwich I had prepared for lunch) with my two fantastic landlords/roommate, and I felt a little better. I am very happy to report that I also took a 3 km fast-walk, so my family doctor is going to be satisfied (I know, I should do it for me, but I really see no point in doing any physical activity, so she is my motivation...)

And, hopefully, tomorrow is going to be a little easier, the day after a little bit more and by the end of next week, I'll be more confortable. There is light at the end of the tunnel (like there always is, let not forget it!)

Blues

Tonight, I feel blue... In less than 48 hours, I have to leave my home for a month of respirology at the main campus. I really enjoyed this month in psychiatry, which was kind of a surprise. The first week has been like an adjustment disorder, because the patients are very different. In the end, I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would... To be clear, not that I would do that of my whole life, because it is very draining emotionally. Since these patients represent at least 20% of family practice, I believe I can deal with that...

One of the big thing about leaving is I don't want to leave the only member of my family that is still here, my de-motivator in chief...

Oh, he's not going to be in a bad situation. He is going to live for a month with a very good friend of mine who loves cat. He will be spoiled as much as he deserves. But still, he is the only family I had in the last month, and leaving him behind is very difficult.

I begin to feel my husband and Princess's absence. I miss them as much as it is possible. I've never been separated from them for that long before and it is taking a toll on my mood. At this point, I don't think they will be back home before mid-June. Even though I really like this rotation, it seems never-ending, not because I don't have the motivation, but because I miss them too much.

On top of it, I need to prepare the house and the cottage for this month absence. It's nothing major, but when you feel depressed, everything look like a big mountain... (ok, you see, I have a very small tendency to exaggerate things... I don't feel that bad, just a little less smily than usual... I suppose this is my histrionic side :-) )

This weekend, I'll see my best friends in Montreal, I'll eat kabab (Yesssss!) and I'm going to the wedding of a very good friend, wearing a brand new dress. Not so bad after all!